Summary:
Originally written by Alexandria Brown.
My writer's block series. Songfics. Not a story so much as little scenes.
Notes:
This was written by Alexandria Brown and was recovered through the Wayback Machine. Aside from some formatting done to make it easier to read, this has not been edited.
This was a series that was not marked as complete, so it is possible the author originally intended for it to continue.
Song: Bad Reputation - Freedy Johnston
Chapter 1:
"Night, guys," Xander said as Willow and Tara gave a wave as they slipped out the door. He sighed, looking around at the mess. Pizza boxes piled up, beer bottles everywhere, cigarette butts mostly in the ashtray. He was the one who wanted to have a party. He heard a loud crash and turned back to the living room.
"Bollocks," Spike yelped as the cds he had been rummaging through crashed to the floor. **So much for surprise. Stupid git**
"Spike, what are you doing," Xander called over, grinning as the vampire leaned over and started to pick up the jewel cases which had dumped everywhere.
"Yeah, just on my way out, looking for my Bowie, you never do return anything, whelp." Spike continued to straighten the cds, shooting a quick look over.
Xander just grinned and turned to clean up. He was used to Spike prowling around the apartment. Since Anya had managed to get the curse reversed and had gone back to being a vengence demon a few months ago, he and Spike had begun to spend a lot of time together. Xander had been glad of the company, he had been extremely lonely at first. And Spike was just glad to have somewhere to be away from Harmony. Gradually, they spent more and more time together, often ending up back at Xander's after patrol, talking, watching tv, drinking. Just somewhere that wasn't alone and wasn't with someone annoying. They had slowly spent more and more time together, until, one day, Xander had realized they were practically inseparable.
Lately, however, Xander had noticed something changing between them. He had started to expect Spike to come back with him and was disappointed whenever the vampire simply returned to his crypt. He had started looking for that blond head whenever he was out at night, listening for that quick wit, trying to catch those blue, blue eyes whenever he could, trying to make that bemused smirk appear. Xander hadn't want to think about it, hadn't want to ponder the meaning to the shudder that went through him whenever Spike smiled at just him, the way the shape of those slender, beautiful hands haunted his dreams.
Then, last night, they had been fighting some vampires, Spike enjoying it thoroughly as always, when Xander had suddenly felt himself being thrown through the air. A vampire had crept up behind him and had managed to grab the back of his shirt. His head struck a tombstone and he was momentarily stunned. He tried to push away, but the vampire had pounced on him. Suddenly, the air was filled with dust and Spike was pulling him to his feet.
"Xander, hells, are you okay," a shaky voice asked.
"Yeah," had come the even softer response. They just stood there for long moments, staring at each other. Xander didn't know what happened, but something had broken, some unspoken vow to never acknowledge what was always running underneath. He knew it. Spike knew it. They broke apart wordlessly, but neither had let the other out of sight the rest of the night.
Spike returned to replacing the cds, stacking them next to the changer. He took an unneeded, nervous breath. **Right, just do it. He might not even notice** He shot a glance back over as Xander continued to bustle about, clearing things away in a haphazard manner.
Spike ran a hand through his hair. He didn't know how it happened, but he wanted the whelp. Needed the whelp. Couldn't actually bear to think of a day without seeing him. The thought that Xander may have been killed the previous night had shaken him, made him admit what had been growing for a long time. He had a thing for dark haired, dark eyed beauties. Dru, Angel, Xander. Dark as he was fair. And Xander was beautiful, there was no doubt of that. And true and pure. And, for once, Spike had no idea what to do. He didn't want to scare Xander, didn't want to ruin this odd friendship they had. But he needed to do something, just didn't know what. Then, right in the middle of the party, Xander had walked right up behind him and rested his chin on Spike's shoulder.
"So, you having a good time?" The words right in his ear.
Spike had frozen, the sound ringing through him. He wanted this boy, needed this boy. Fuck fear. It was right then that he had formed his plan.
"Well, pet, I'm off." Spike finished fiddling with the cds and straightened up.
"Oh, you're leaving." Xander was unaccountably disappointed. He had just assumed that Spike was staying.
"Got stuff to do, pet." Spike stopped in the doorway, cocking an ear. "See you tomorrow." **Hope you'll still want to see me**
"K, later." Xander resumed cleaning, suddenly feeling the emptiness in the room. Shaking his head slightly, **crush much, Harris** he moved back into the living room. He heard the discs spin as the changer switched trays.
I know I've got a bad reputation
And it isn't just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven't got
I couldn't have a warm conversation
If it wasn't for the lies, lies, lies
And still I ought to tell you everything
'Til I close my eyes
Xander looked up. He didn't remember programming this. Shrugging, he returned to cleaning, moving over to the stereo rack. He saw the case sitting perfectly centered on the top of the stereo.
Don't try to be an inspiration
Just wasting your time, time, time
You know about the best I'll ever be
See it in your eyes
I know I've got a bad reputation
And it isn't just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven't got
Xander went perfectly still. He knew he hadn't programmed this. That meant. Spike. His heart began to beat faster. Spike. Spike had left this for him. That was the only possible explanation. The words sank into him.
Don't you think I've heard the talk
Nobody's gonna tell me who to love
Been breaking down
Do you want me now
Do you want me now
Xander just stood there, drinking in the words. Spike. Spike wanted him. Christ, Spike wanted him. His breath came faster as he let the emotions wash over him.
Been breaking down
Do you want me now
Do you want me now
I'm just breaking down, down down, down
Been breaking down, down, down, down
Been breaking down, down, down, down
Xander reached up a shaky hand and hit repeat.
Chapter 2 (Song – Please Forgive Me – David Gray):
Spike leaned against the wall, bottle in hand. He was not nearly drunk enough to be enjoying this yet. He still hadn't figured out how he had ended up coming to Red's little party. Yet, here he was, stuck leaning on this wall, watching a bunch of children prance about to some soddin' dance music.
He had no idea how this happened. Only that it had something to do with that dark haired boy over on the other side of the room, separated from him by a crush of people. Something to do with those dark eyes looking up at him. Something to do with the hopeful look on that beautiful face when he heard Xander ask "So, you're coming on Saturday, right?" Something to do with him being a bleeding nancy boy who was sweet on one of the Slayer's pets. He took another long, long pull at the bottle in his hand.
It had been one week since he had left that song playing and walked out the door. One week since he'd taken some small step. One week and no sign that Xander had even noticed. Not one word had been said. Spike had initially assumed that Xander simply hadn't noticed and had spent the next few days muttering to himself. **You wanker, try to be all clever and whatnot. Couldn't just tell him, oh no. Too fucking cowardly by half** Then, on Wednesday, he realized that Xander had made sure to bring him back to the apartment every night, on Thursday, he realized that Xander was sitting much closer to him on the couch and on Friday, Xander had checked to be sure he was coming to the party. Spike's chest had tightened at that. **At least he still wants me around**
But now, here he was, stuck leaning on a bloody wall with some idiot girl yammering away in his ear while Xander was on the side of the room. Spike's eyes narrowed as he saw some girl grab his arm, lean into him and laugh. **Hands off. Mine** Spike shoved off the wall, ignoring the protesting yelp and headed for the door. He couldn't take much more without doing something stupid. Like walking over and pinning Xander to the wall and kissing him until he couldn't breathe. Not a good idea. **Hmmm, very good idea**
Xander looked up from the stereo where he had standing. It had been one week. One week of trying to figure out what to do, what to say. What if he was wrong, what if he completely misunderstood. He didn't think he could stand the rejection. It wasn't that he was afraid that Spike would laugh at him or humiliate him in front of the others. No, it was the fear that Spike wouldn't want him that had kept him from saying a word.
But he had to make sure Spike came to Willow's party. Not just because Willow wanted Spike to come, but because he wanted Spike there, wanted to see him. Didn't want to spend an entire evening away from him. **Let's be honest. Wanted to get him drunk, take him home, see what happens** But Willow had grabbed Xander the second he arrived, and he had lost track of Spike. And every time he started over to talk to the vampire, someone else stopped him. He was going insane. Then he ended up by Willow's stereo and inspiration struck. He had found just what he was looking for when he saw Spike start to leave. He glanced over. The cd player was empty, the music coming from the larger set across the room. **Now or never Harris, just do it** Taking a deep breath, he hit play.
Spike paused, trying to push his way out the door. Another song had started underneath the first. That was odd. He glanced around. No one else seemed to have noticed. He shrugged and kept going, trying to weave his way through the drunken mass.
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightening running through my veins
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Spike stopped dead in his tracks. The words struck him, perfect, they were perfect. Exactly how he felt. He leaned his head down and closed his eyes.
Help me out here all here all my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
Spike's head snapped back up. No one else had noticed the song playing under the first. **Bloody hell, now I'm hearing things** He turned, trying to track the source of the music.
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into that mystery
Deep into some mystery
Xander locked eyes with Spike. He had the volume turned down as low as possible, positive that the only possible person who could hear the song under the beating rhythm and loud conversation would be the vampire. They just stared at one another across the room.
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won't ever have to lose you girl
Won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye
Xander began to move, seeing the shock on Spike's face. So, Spike thought Xander didn't want him. A quick smile went across his face. **Imagine, SPIKE insecure** Spike just watched as Xander stopped, standing right next to him.
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I now not what I do
Feels like lightening running through my veins
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Spike reached out, grabbed Xander's hand and yanked him into the hallway. Without pausing to think, he slammed Xander into the wall, kissing him passionately. Xander grabbed the lapels of the duster, pulling Spike even closer, kissing Spike back just as hungrily. Finally, Spike leaned back reluctantly, not wanting Xander to pass out from lack of oxygen. They leaned against one another panting, Spike trailing a finger down Xander's face.
"So, take it you got my message," Spike asked, voice hoarse with desire.
"Yeah," Xander replied, grinning as he pulled Spike in for another kiss, not caring they were in plain view of everyone. "Take it you got mine."
His only reply was a low moan from the back of Spike's throat. They finally broke apart when someone accidentally bumped into them coming around the corner.
"Spike," Xander asked, staring straight into those blue eyes **so perfect** "You don't really want to stay here do you?"
"Got somewhere better to be, pet?"
Now it was Xander's turn to grab Spike's hand and drag him away.
"Yeah, my place. Car's outside. Leave. Now."
The last thing anyone saw was a swirl of black leather as they left, practically at a dead run.
Chapter 3 – Song – You On My Mind In My Sleep – Richard Ashcroft:
"Spike, c'mon we'll drop you off on the way," Buffy called out as she shrugged into her jacket.
They had all wound up at Xander's apartment after a fight with a particular nasty demon had left them all covered in bright orange slime with the added benefit of causing a rash to immediately form on everyone's skin. Xander's place was closest, and they had all taken turns showering and getting the gunk off their skin. The girls were now all decked out in a variety of much too large t-shirt and sweat pants. Giles had refused to shower, turning slightly pink at the suggestion, but he had scrubbed his face and hands clean and was looking mournfully at his blazer.
Only Spike looked normal, wearing his usual black jeans and shirt. That was because he had simply changed into one of the sets of clothing that he had started keeping at Xander's since they had begun secretly seeing one another four months before. The impulse had been automatic and it wasn't until he had emerged from the bedroom that both he and Xander had gone still, hoping no one would notice, that they would just assume that Spike had found a black shirt of Xander's. No one had commented. Now, they were leaving and neither Spike nor Xander could think of any possible explanation for him to stay.
"Sure, Slayer, right behind you. Just have to grab some blood from the whelp, here, out in a minute." Spike called out, moving across the room to stand next to Xander in the kitchen. They watched as the back of Buffy's head disappeared. Xander slammed Spike into the refrigerator, their mouths eagerly coming together, the now familiar heat rising quickly. Spike pulled back, hearing the groans coming from both their mouths.
"I have to go, pet," he whispered, trailing his fingers down Xander's cheek.
"I know, hate this," came the quiet reply as Xander reluctantly let go of Spike's waist.
"Well, luv, much as I agree, no choice."
They stared at each other for a moment, then started as they heard the door open, heard Buffy's annoyed voice call out.
"Spike, hurry up, it's almost dawn and much as I would like to see you burn, Giles won't let me."
Xander hurriedly handed Spike a packet of blood, their fingers locking for a moment then Spike was gone. Xander leaned against the counter, head down. Reaching out, he opened a drawer and pulled out the spare set of keys he had made the previous day. He began to spin them in a circle, losing himself to his thoughts.
Four months. Four months since Spike had kissed him in that hallway. Four months since they had come back to the apartment and ravished one another. Four months during which they had stolen every moment they could find. Four months of finding it harder and harder to pull away. Four months of stopping himself from telling Spike just how much he meant. They never talked about it, never discussed just what it was between them. But it was far more than sex, they both knew that. However, neither of them wanted to say anything, didn't want to upset whatever happiness they had managed to find.
Sighing, Xander stared down as he continued to spin the keys. They hadn't told any of the others, hadn't made their relationship public, hadn't wanted to deal with the reactions. But it had become harder and harder each time Spike left, waiting until sunset, straining his ears for that sure knock that came as soon as Spike could get there. It had finally come to a head the other day. They had leaned in the doorway, hands frantically roaming over each other, the desperation apparent if unspoken, until Spike had been forced to leave, forced to run before the sun could burn him. That had been the final straw. Xander had gone out that afternoon, had the extra set of keys made and was just trying to get up the courage to ask Spike to stay, to move in, to finally state once and for all that he and Spike were together, were a couple. But he hadn't had the chance. Sighing yet again, he fell fully clothed onto his lonely bed, grateful that the next day was a Saturday and he wouldn't have to work.
Xander woke, hungry, a few hours later and made his way back to the kitchen. Yawning, he opened the refrigerator door and paused, seeing the slip of paper there. He picked it up, puzzled and saw the quick, angular lines. A smile slipped across his face as he recognized Spike's handwriting.
Left you something. Go hit play.
Shaking his head at his lover's cleverness, Xander padded over to the stereo.
You ain't ever seen
The way to find your dreams
Forget what's within within
Cos who you've been you've been
If all we lose is the skin
I'm putting you under within
We're gonna make this life together
The symptoms are too deep
I got you on my mind in my sleep
You on my mind in my sleep
He went still, hearing the truth in the words, sensing the longing there, the mirror to his own ache. He walked back to the counter, picking up the keys he had left there.
Do you know how hard I'll try
To lose this foolish pride
Can you take me as I am
Can you understand me
Unchain me now
If all we lose is the skin
I'm putting you under within
We're gonna make this life together
The symptoms are too deep
I got you on my mind in my sleep
You on my mind in my sleep
That was it. This was enough. He grabbed his own set of keys, his jacket and raced out the door, the words echoing in his mind.
Xander pounded on the crypt door. "I know you're in there, Spike, just open the fucking door."
Spike cautiously pulled the door opened, blinking sleepily, cautiously backing away from the sun. "Xander, what are you doing..."
Xander never gave Spike a chance to answer. "Fuck this, hate this. I miss you. You miss me. I don't want to be apart, I don't want to pretend anymore, it's stupid. Someone has to swallow their pride, fine, so I'll do it. Here," with that he tossed the keys to Spike. "I want to move in with me, be with me, tell everyone you're with me. Want you. Need you. Please."
Xander paused to take a breath, looking at the floor, waiting for some response, unsure of what the reaction would be. He felt cool fingertips under his chin, forcing his head up.
"Bloody hell, pet, took you long enough, thought I was going to have to ask, now didn't I." The relief in Spike's eyes, the longing, the hope all reflecting back Xander's own expression. Their eyes locked and they both began to smile.
Xander quickly pulled Spike over to the bed in the corner of the crypt. "Great, now that that's settled, we're going to have to find something to do until the sun goes down." He cast a quick glance around the crypt. "And I don't think packing will take up enough time, so any suggestions, Spike?"
Spike just grinned as he pushed Xander flat on his back. "I'm sure we'll think of something."
Xander just smiled into the mouth now covering his. "I'm sure we will too."
Chapter 4 – Song – Only When I Lose Myself – Depeche Mode:
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
With that, Spike bolted out the door, yanking it shut behind him, hearing the satisfying slam. He stalked down the hallway, lighting a cigarette and taking a furious drag.
"Bloody whelp, yelling at me, didn't do anything," he muttered angrily as he jumped down the front stairs and ripped open the door to the DeSoto. He peeled out of the parking lot, not looking back, not seeing if Xander had followed, not being that pathetic. He drove aimlessly, smoking cigarette after cigarette. He honestly couldn't remember what they had been fighting about. Something inane. It had started as their usual bantering then suddenly escalated until they were standing toe to toe, screaming. It was at that point that Spike had bolted, not wanting to hear any more, unable to bear the look of rage on Xander's face.
He stared mindlessly out the windshield, barely paying attention to the road. He didn't know what to do, what to say. Things had been going so well. Sure, it had been hard when he first moved in, when they told Xander's friends, but, slowly, they had come around, seeing that Xander was happy. Of course, the Slayer still shot him evil glares every time she saw them together, but that was all, she had stopped trying to stake him. Things were good.
Actually, things were bloody fabulous. He had gone and fallen in love with the whelp. Couldn't help it, hadn't really tried. He was well and truly gone. Only, he hadn't told him yet, not sure of what the response would be. Besides, talking about it would only bring up painful issues. Like whether or not Spike would turn him when he got the chip removed. If Xander understood just what it meant for Spike to love him. When Spike loved, he loved completely, thoroughly, forever. Spike's hands shook as he raised the cigarettes to his lips. Forever. He knew this was the true reason that he hadn't said anything these long months. He wasn't sure he could handle it, loving a human. Knowing he would die.
Spike snarled as he threw the butt out the window, compulsively reaching for another cigarette. For hells sake, he had been reduced to turning to his brooding Sire for help. Angel had returned the week before and, the instant he saw Spike and Xander, a knowing smile had crossed his lips. Spike had avoided Angel like holy water, knowing that, as soon as they were alone, he would have to answer questions he would rather not think about. But Angel was persistent and, finally, the unavoidable occurred.
"So, Spike," Angel began, watching his childe pace. "See you've got yourself a boyfriend. And one of the Slayer's friends at that."
"Well, if I'm getting fucked by working for them might as well fuck back, shouldn't I?" Sheer bravado. He had never been able to hide anything from those eyes in the past, but there was a first time for everything.
"Spike." The world-weary sigh dropped from Angel's lips, the headache he always got when talking to Spike already beginning to form. "Spike, don't even start. I know you, I know when it's just a game. You're living with him, Willow says that you're almost never apart. Besides, I see how you look at him." Angel's heart twisted at that. **The way you used to look at me. Just like that**
Spike just continued to pace, chin held defiantly in the air. "What, Peaches, thought I would pine away for you? Sorry, got better things to do with my unlife." Trying a new tactic. Attack and thus distract.
Again the sigh as Angel moved over and grabbed Spike by the shoulders, stopping him in his tracks. "Spike, don't do this. I just want to know what you're up to. I don't want you playing mind games with Xander." A bitter smile. "That was always my bit. What exactly is going on?"
It was the concern in those eyes that got him. He had always had a weak spot for just that look, he used to live to see any glimmer of concern in those eyes. Even now, after all this time, Angel provoked the same need, the same desperate desire for acceptance.
"Shit," Spike's head dropped down. "Not a game. Care for the boy." The last words were inaudible to all but vampire ears.
"Care for him. That's obvious, how much, Spike? What's going on? Is it just a shag or something more?" Angel pressed on, seeing his childe's pain, knowing exactly what the problem was.
Spike tried to pull away, but Angel held firm. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to talk about this. Didn't want to think about this.
"Just, care about him. Doesn't matter, can't have anything anyway. Whelp will just leave me for someone else, someone who can be with him, take care of him. He'll just leave anyway, so doesn't matter." The bitter words dropped from his mouth, the knife turning inside him. **Leave. Die. Go away. Alone again**
Angel nodded, hearing the truth. "You're afraid." A simple statement.
Spike's head shot up at that. Him, afraid? **Oh, yeah you are** "Not likely, mate. You taught me too well for that."
"No, I can smell it on you." Angel's voice softened. "You know where this is headed. I know you, Spike. You're going to fall in love with him. If you're not already. And you're afraid. Afraid he won't love you back. That even if you do, he'll still leave. You know he'll leave eventually." He felt Spike tense under his hands, but he kept going. "It's just, do you really want to spend whatever time you have together without telling him? Every moment is precious. Every second." Angel swallowed, visions of Buffy coming unbidden to his mind. Shaking his head, he pressed on. "Spike, you have to tell him. Have to let him know." With that, he pulled his childe close, wrapping strong arms around him.
Spike just shook, bathing in the coolness of those familiar arms. He knew it. He couldn't help it. Every time they had sex he came closer and closer to saying the words.
"What am I supposed to do, just walk over, say, 'Thought you should know, I love you.'" Muffled words into Angel's chest.
Angel dropped a gentle kiss on the top of Spike's head. "That would work." They stood there for a long time, the memories coming over them, the twisted past they shared unspoken.
A bitter snort as Spike finally pulled away. "Give me some credit, can do better than that." He glared up, "This doesn't mean I don't still hate you."
A chuckle, "Of course not."
****
Spike sighed, looking out the window. That had been three days ago and he still hadn't found the courage to say the words. Now, everything had gone bad. Xander had seemed distant over the last few days, pulling away at odd times. Then the fight tonight. Spike thought back, trying to remember what had started it. Nothing. Now that he thought about it, it had been since Angel had arrived that Xander had been acting odd, short-tempered and hostile. He knew that Xander had always been jealous of Angel, but surely that was over now. He slammed on the brakes as the truth hit him. Jealous. Xander was jealous. He pulled over to the side of the road then got out, sitting on the hood, thinking back. Xander had made sure that he was with Spike nearly every second that Angel had been there, holding his hand and otherwise acting possessive. Spike hadn't really noticed, had absently enjoyed the attention, but had given it no weight. He thought harder, reviewing all their interactions. Surely, he hadn't done anything to make Xander jealous. Suddenly, his eyes widened.
"Oh, fuck," the word breathed out as Spike's eyes grew wide. He closed his eyes, concentrating again on the memory. Angel pulling him close. A footstep, some other scent coming faintly to his nostrils. His voice saying "Thought you should know, I love you." Angel kissing the top of his head. "Oh, fuck."
No wonder Xander had been so moody, so upset. He walked in at the worst possible time. There was only one way Xander could have interpreted that. Spike jumped into the car and sped back to the apartment.
"Xander," he called as he ran back into the apartment. "Pet, have to talk to you." He stopped, looking around, confused. No response. "Xander," he called again, walking further into the apartment. He heard a low noise and looked over at the couch.
Xander lay on his back, eyes closed, one hand thrown over his face, the other falling off the couch toward the floor. An empty bottle of vodka sat on the table.
"Oh, luv," Spike moved over, gently picking him up. "Can't have you getting drunk when things go bad, that's my bit, not yours." He placed Xander on the bed, then went to get the aspirin and water that he knew Xander would be needing soon. He returned, ran a cool hand through Xander's hair, then pulled the blanket over him.
****
Xander groaned. It felt like someone was trying to drill through his head. He sat up slowly.
"Ow, ow, not good." He fell back onto the bed. "Ow, ow, worse." His mouth was dry, his eyes ached. "Ohhh, that was such a bad idea."
The second Spike left he had pulled the bottle of Skye from the freezer and set about getting thoroughly drunk. He had finally decided to tell Spike that he loved him then Angel had shown up. Xander knew enough from things Spike had let slip to know that there was some kind of intense relationship between the two, no matter how Spike acted now. Besides, you didn't hate someone that thoroughly unless you loved them first. He couldn't help feeling jealous. He had tried to keep an eye on the two. But somehow they had snuck off and then, just when Xander walked in, he heard it. Spike's voice. "Thought you should know, I love you." Xander couldn't take it. It was bad enough that Angel had Buffy, now he was taking Spike too. Just when Xander had finally worked up the nerve to tell Spike how he felt. He had gotten all pissy, waiting for Spike to tell him he was leaving, going to L.A. with Angel. Every day that passed was agony. Finally, he snapped and provoked the fight, hoping to just hear it and get it over with. Spike left and Xander knew that was it. He wasn't coming back.
"Luv, you might not want to move quite so much," gentle hands lifted him, holding him still as a glass was raised to his lips. "Drink, you need water." Confused, he swallowed, then raised blurry eyes.
"Spike," the confusion evident in his voice. "What are you doing here?" Maybe he was seeing things.
"Live here, ducks, remember? Just how much did you drink?" The familiar sarcasm. "Here, aspirin, it will help."
Xander just blinked, growing more confused. He took the pills automatically, then tried to focus. **Ok, he came back must need to pack**
"When are you leaving," the question came out unwillingly. Xander lay back down, too dizzy to remain upright.
"For where, pet?" Now it was Spike's turn to be confused.
"L.A. Going with Angel, I heard you." Xander heard himself speaking. He was still drunk and couldn't stop no matter how much he cursed himself.
Spike looked down, running his hands soothingly over Xander's face. "Not going to L.A. I'll explain later, it's not what you think."
"Lose you, don't wanna," Xander began as he faded back to sleep.
"You aren't going to lose me Xander. Sleep. Talk later." Spike curled next to him, pulling him close. "Never lose me."
****
Xander woke, the headache still there but fading. He groaned. Now he remembered why he didn't usually drink. He felt Spike next to him, realized that Spike had an arm draped protectively around his waist. Fragments of their conversation drifted back. Spike hadn't left for L.A., said something about explaining. Xander tugged lightly on the arm, needing to go to the bathroom, desperately wanting to shower. He came out a short time later, clean, feeling somewhat better. He looked over, saw that Spike was no longer on the bed. He headed out for the kitchen, hearing movement there.
Spike looked up, hearing Xander moving down the hall. He reached over, set the mug of tea on the counter. Xander took it nodding gratefully then moved to the couch, wincing when he saw the bottle. Spike followed him over, sitting next to him.
"Spike, sorry, last night, just, I don't know why I was so angry," Xander began, unsure of where to start, exactly what he wanted to say.
Spike reached out, placing his fingers on Xander's lips. "Shh, just listen. I think you heard something that you shouldn't have." With that Spike stood, beginning to pace. "Shit, that's not true, you should have heard it, just not like that. It wasn't what you think, I wasn't saying that to Angel." Spike returned to the couch, fingering the stereo remote.
"There's something I've needed to tell you for a long time. Didn't know the words. Would have written some but," a bent smile appeared. "Well, that hasn't gone too well in the past. Here, listen. Wish I wrote this for you." With that, he hit play.
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotised
I feel paralysed
I have found heaven
Xander just stared over, trying to process all he had heard. Spike hadn't said that to Angel. Then, who. He swallowed, concentrating on the words.
There's a thousand reasons
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here
I can think of two
To keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven
Spike just stared at his hands, unable to look over, unable to bear seeing Xander's face if this went badly.
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
I can feel the emptiness inside me
Fade and disappear
There's a feeling of contentment
Now that you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven
Xander let out a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding. Him. Spike was talking to Angel about him. He reached over and pulled Spike into a fierce embrace.
Did I need to sell my soul for pleasure like this
Did I have to lose control to treasure your kiss
Did I need to place my heart in the palm of your hand
Before I could even start to understand
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
They came together, the words falling from both their lips. "I love you, I love you." Impossible to know who said it first, whose words were more fevered. "I love you, I love you." The music stopped and all that was left was their voices, speaking together, in perfect harmony.
Chapter 5 – Song – Haemoglobin – Placebo:
"Spike, you back here," Xander called out, a little concerned. He placed the bag containing the Guinness and Jack Daniels down on the table. He had come home from stopping at the liquor store to find Spike gone with a note taped to the door. "At the Magic Box. Back later. Don't worry." Xander had stared at the note, snorting at the last line. Yeah, like he wasn't going to worry. It was the two year anniversary from when the chip had been inserted into Spike and Xander had watched the tension wind in Spike over the last week as the day got closer and closer. They hadn't really talked about it, but Xander knew how upsetting it was to the vampire. Spike had channeled his frustration into patrol and sex and Xander was covered in bruises, their coupling having grown ever more frantic and vicious, each trying to consume the other. He had decided that morning before he left for work that he was simply going to get Spike very, very drunk, then tie him to the bed to keep him from doing anything stupid. Not that Spike had given any indication that he was going to do something desperate, just, Xander was worried. No matter how much Spike claimed that he would no longer try to get the chip out himself, Xander wasn't sure if Spike could control himself if one of those periods of darkness came over him.
He heard loud music coming from the back and he walked towards the noise, moving towards the training room they had set up for Buffy. He stopped in the door, seeing Spike viciously attacking the heavy bag in the corner, stripped down to his jeans and tight black t-shirt, singing along to the song, lips drenched in blood. Xander quickly looked over, then relaxed slightly, seeing the empty bag from the blood bank. He had left human blood for Spike in the refrigerator that morning, wanting to do something, anything to help ease the pain of the day.
I was hanging from a tree
Unaccustomed to such violence
Jesus looking down on me
I'm prepared for one big silence
How'd I ever end up here
Must be through some lack of kindness
And it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Spike whirled, catching the bag in a hard back kick, turning quickly to kick the bag back the other direction. He lost himself in the actions, imagining it was Riley, or any of the other fuckers who had done this to him, had tried to destroy what he was. He was reduced to this, to pouring his rage into some inanimate object instead of hunting down his prey. He let the pain crash into him, feeling the totality of his loss. Reduced to drinking from a cup, human blood only for special occasions, no longer his daily sustenance. Some tiny part of his mind registered Xander's presence, but he didn't turn, not wanting Xander to see him like this, torn down to this state. **So why did you leave the note, knew he would come** The thought crept unwanted into his mind, causing him to growl and send a fierce punch into the bag, knocking it back.
At the time they cut me free
I was brimming with defiance
Doctors looking down on me
Breaking every law of science
How'd I ever end up here?
A latent strain of color blindness
Then it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Xander stood still in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt, letting Spike have this moment. As much as it ripped his heart out to see Spike reduced to this state, he knew Spike needed this, needed the release. Lying awake early that morning, staring down into Spike's face, so different in sleep, so calm and peaceful, Xander had felt the rage begin to build in him. Sure, maybe the only reason that he had been given a chance with Spike was because Spike had been chipped, had been forced to crawl to them for help, sure, he would fight and claw to protect what they had. But that didn't mean he couldn't rage for his lover, rage in some tiny part for himself. There was a small, secret portion of him that wanted Spike as he was before, wanted Spike to take him, turn him, let them hunt together, let them drink from one another, some part that wanted to know if Spike would have still wanted him if he hadn't been emasculated, if he was still as powerful as before. He lay there, running a hand through that white hair and let the bitter tears fall, crying for all Spike had lost. All that Xander could never give him. Xander's arm had tightened its hold on Spike's waist, trying to pull the vampire into him, take him in completely. He might never be able to make up for everything ripped from Spike, but he sure as fucking hell was going to try.
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
He watched as Spike leapt into the air, a leg striking out over and over, jumping in time to the words. Graceful as Baryshnikov, as Nureyev. Spike landed, then suddenly went still, yellow eyes blazing as he stared straight ahead, a light sheen of sweat coating his body. He turned suddenly, locking eyes with Xander. He held the gaze as he continued to sing along, hoping Xander would understand, would know that he no matter how desperately he may want to walk into the sun, he wouldn't, he would never give the bastards the satisfaction of destroying Xander as well.
As they drag me to my feet
I was filled with incoherence
Theories of conspiracy
The whole world wants my disappearance
I'll go fighting nail and teeth
You've never seen such perseverance
Gonna make you scared of me
Cause haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Xander walked over, eyes still locked with Spike's. He moved directly in front of the vampire then leaned down slightly and kissed him, tasting the slick of blood, pulling it into his mouth. They kissed frantically, blood dripping down as Spike's fangs cut into their lips. Xander finally pulled away, eyes black.
"Let's go. We need to find something to kill."
Spike just nodded and they walked out the door, Spike grabbing his duster on the way. They stalked down the street, silent, deadly, blood pounding in their ears.
Chapter 6 – Song – I Touch Myself – Divinyls:
Xander grinned as he led Buffy, Willow, Tara and Giles into the bar. He had been looking forward to this moment for the last week, turning it over and over in his mind. The mighty Fangless One was finally going to get his comeuppance. He had been tempted to collect on the bet immediately, then decided that, no, he would rather savor the moment.
"Xander, why are we here again," Buffy called out as the gang settled at a table while Xander went to fetch drinks.
"Because Spike lost a bet. Which is good enough in and of itself. But even better, this was the forfeit. You are here to witness the public debut of William the Wonderful, the siren of Springfield." Xander grinned as he raised the beer to his lips. He glanced at his watch. For some reason, Spike had insisted on meeting them here. He supposed it was so that the vampire could flee immediately afterwards. Yes, all was right in Xanderland.
"Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the newest star to shine on our stage, the one, the only, Spike." A small round of applause greeted this over enthusiastic introduction and Xander scooted his chair a little closer, making sure nothing blocked his view. He wished he thought to bring the video camera.
Spike stalked onto the stage, grabbed the mike as if he had born with it in his hand and gave a cocky smirk to the crowd. Xander felt the faintest stirring of fear. He knew that look, that cat that ate the canary, I am going to humiliate you look.
Spike raised the mike to his lips. "Alexander Lavelle Harris. This one's for you." The words were perfectly enunciated and Xander started when the small spotlight picked him out of the crowd. **What the hell** he thought briefly. **No wonder he wanted to be early, must have worked something out** his thoughts died away as the unmistakable opening riff sounded in the club.
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
Xander's head crashed to the table as the hoots and catcalls started around him. A moan escaped him as the fatal flaw in his evil scheme revealed itself. He forgot to tell Spike that HE could pick out the song. NOT Spike. He groaned louder as he suddenly realized just why Spike had lost the bet. He had been played, well and truly played. He raised his head as Buffy fell over on top of him, laughing hysterically.
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
He didn't think it could get any worse. Then it did. Xander realized that Spike was slowly walking down the stage, no, stalking was the better word. He wanted to move, he did, really, he just couldn't, those blue eyes were pinning him to the chair.
You're the one who makes me happy honey
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine
Spike stopped right in front of Xander's chair, eyes locked with Xander's. He had to admit, Spike actually had a great voice. And the way he was rocking his hips in time to the beat. . .
I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you
Xander's mouth went dry, everything else dying away, seeing nothing but this, Spike, dropping to his knees before Xander, the hand not holding the mike slowly moving its way up his thigh. The laughter was strong in Spike's voice, in his eyes, but underneath, underneath, well, sincerity too. Xander reached out to touch Spike's face. He never realized just how romantic this song was before. Spike just grinned at him then suddenly yanked away, slowly rolling his duster from his shoulders and dropping it on Xander's lap, turning to play to the crowd, running a hand down his thighs.
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
Spike whirled back around and then grabbed Xander's chin in his hand, pulling Xander to his feet, dropping his hand to Xander's waist, possessively running it down and around Xander's ass, pulling them back to the stage. The whistling and yelling suddenly crashed back into Xander's ears as he heard the crowd yelling along to the chorus as Spike ground his hips to Xander's.
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
The music died away, leaving only the two of them wrapped together on stage, Spike grinning unabashedly. The screaming only grew louder.
"So, what do you want to bet next, luv?" Spike whispered seductively in his ear as he spun them around, grabbing Xander's hand and pulling him down to take their bows.
"Don't know, didn't know you could sing so well, Spike," Xander gasped out, trying to think of the fastest way home, or to the car, or hell, to the alley if need be. Bathroom, that would work. They made their way off stage, pelted by peanuts and good natured taunts. They stopped back at the table just long enough to grab Spike's duster, Xander's keys and to see the never to be forgotten sight of Giles doubled over in laughter.
They stumbled out the door and somehow managed to crash into the backseat of Xander's car before attacking one another.
"Spike," Xander gasped out when the vampire finally let him up for air.
"Yes, Xander," Spike distractedly replied, busy working on the buttons to Xander's shirt.
"Did you mean it?" Xander panted out, a little embarrassed at being so needy, a lot more needing to hear the answer.
Spike stopped his ministrations and pulled back to stare straight into Xander's eyes. "Of course, Xander. Just told the whole bloody world didn't I?"
Xander laughed and pulled Spike back down. "Only you, Spike. Only you could profess your undying commitment to and love for me in the world's best known masturbation anthem."
Spike just chuckled as he ripped Xander's shirt off.
Chapter 7 – Song – Amazed – Poe:
The wind whipped off the ocean, pulling the fog along with it. Nothing was moving on the beach tonight, the elements too ferocious, the waves cresting too high. The moonlight struggled to break through the clouds, bars of light flickering along the sand. The sound of the waves and the howling of the wind combined, peaking higher and higher, ancient and elemental. A night fit for neither man nor beast. Abruptly, the clouds broke and for a brief moment the silver light shone down on an incongruous tableau. A picnic blanket was spread out on a small sand dune, a bottle of wine sitting open in the middle, propped against a small basket, glasses resting on the closed lid, dark liquid coating the inside of the crystal. A small cd player rested in the sand, the music just barely audible over the sound of the wind.
The light played along the sand, seemingly amused that anyone would dare brave nature's fury. The winds died down for a moment, nature pausing to listen to the music. The light intensified, glowing around the figures standing just along the water's edge, waves occasionally brushing against their legs. At first glance it appeared that they were one flesh, one body, they were wrapped so tightly together. They looked like negatives of one another in the pale moonlight, one so fair that he practically glowed, the other so dark that the light disappeared into his hair. Only one heartbeat sounded, only one breath misted in the air. The clouds gathered again, cutting them from sight, leaving only the faint echo of their voices singing to the eerie song.
It's amazing to me but I can't
Seem to say what I'm doing here
My tongue is all twisted around the air
I'm looking for words that were so well rehearsed
But I can't find them anywhere
With you there's no easy answer
It's true
You change the equation that I add up to
And all of the things I thought I knew
You turn it around
A pale hand glistened in the night as cold fingers traced down the other's face, leaving a visible trail in the dampness clinging to their skin as the fog intensified about them. Dark eyes peered down, capturing the glow coming from the blue gazing back, drawing it into those unfathomable depths.
I'm amazed
When push comes to shove what I'd give to you
Everything
I'm amazed
The hallways I wouldn't mind crawling through
And I'd do it for days and days
I'm amazed, I'm amazed
The places you're taking me to
The faint glow remaining in the air focused on the pale expanse of throat suddenly exposed as the dark head tilted back, baring the neck completely. The pale head bent down and cold lips pressed down, moving along the skin, the words thrumming on the flesh.
Wait, I thought I had this down
I built all my cages and my hide out
I covered all my bases
But you
You creep in like a whisper
I try not to listen but I hear you
I don't know just what it is you do
But do it again
Hands tightened on the pale one's back, one creeping up and vanishing in the white hair, pulling the head back, turning the face up, bringing them skin to skin. The taller man's head bowed, resting his forehead on his lover's, mingling the strands of their hair, dark and light combining together. Their eyes closed, and they simply stood there, just feeling their flesh together, listening to the sound of the singer combining with the cry of the wind, both desperate and strong.
I'm amazed
When push comes to shove what I'd give to you
Everything
I'm amazed
The walls that I wouldn't mind crashing through
And I'd do it for days and days
I'm amazed, I'm amazed
Hands fell down and reached for the other, fingers entwining, foreheads still touching, the only separation of their flesh the few inches between their lips. One breathed out as the other sucked in, pale puffs of breath visible in the night. The clouds pressed down, the fog hiding them from view, only to be blown away again by the wind, granting mere glimpses of them, fleeting traces like an apparition in the night.
At all of the things I know you have done
'Cause this time I think we've really won
That tables have turned
Now I'm taking my hat off to you
You said "we'll see"
But darling it's all clear to me
I'm amazed
The waves crested with the music, knocking them over, rolling them into the water. The moon picked out their bodies, tumbling over and over, drawn together, interlocked as they moved, patches of skin blazing bright as clothes were shed and desperate hands drew them tighter, pressing them together, mindless of the sand and the wind, the cold and the water. There was only this, only them, together here, under the stars that could finally be seen as the clouds parted, allowing all of nature to see them, the perfect counterpoint of light and dark curled into one another, the balance always sought finally achieved in the tangling of their skin.
(End of Fic)